yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
