Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Randomize
