Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just google imaged poop.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
