she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
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Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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