Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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