69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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