im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
