My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
