my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
