Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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