Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize