U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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