facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im part way to drunk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
