So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
