I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
