i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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