theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
