His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
