Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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