Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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