my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
