Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
did you just send me my own nude
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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