Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
