omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
