I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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