jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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