when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
