I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
