I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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