Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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