Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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