moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
