if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I faked an abortion last night.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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