first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
