Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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