PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
