do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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