Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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