Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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