I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
