I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize