What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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