If i come over, it means nothing
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
