dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize