I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
