Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
