I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
