Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
