OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
