I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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