and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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