I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
