fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
